“Control is an illusion”
I live my life in measurement – constantly measuring myself against others or what others think. What they have, what I don’t. What’s on the billboard, the car, the clothes, the turns, how I look, the money, on and on. I’ve done so since I was a child. I’ve come to realize this is the source of my misery. I’m not happy, because I don’t have the ability to be happy with nothing.
The measurement game is also the source of my anger. I’m constantly angry, because I’m constantly comparing or measuring.
Everything that I’m fearful of, goes back to my game of measurement. Because, all I can think about is what if I don’t have what I have now? What if we have to move back to my parents house? What if we lose it all?
I’ve got to realize all this (the house, my career, my skiing, living in the mountains) is really nothing. It doesn’t matter.
What matters is who I am as a person – a father, a husband, a friend, how I am to others. My being. That’s what matters.
No matter what I’m going to end up as dirt. So it’s “all” going to go away anyway. So if I’m going to end up as dirt, why am I so worried? I worry because I’m not happy. I need to be learn to be happy with nothing — because it all really is nothing. If I can be happy with nothing then and only then can I be happy with anything.
If I can be happy with anything then I won’t have these fears. Because I’ll know it’s all nothing and no matter what, everything will be beautiful. Why will it be beautiful? Because I don’t live in measurement – I live each day getting my value from my being.
A great movie is The Company Men. I need to watch it again.
Today happened because I put it out in the universe about how I’m feeling. Today happened because I was willing to lay threadbare, where I’m at with another person. I learned to do this from the 12 Steps. Today happened because I was honest and I trusted someone.
I’m going to keep on keeping on. I’m going to keep talking to my friend so he can learn from me. And if he learns from me then I can learn from him.
If I can live this way one moment at a time, over time my measurement way of living will be gone. A new dawn will greet me. I’ll be happy.